


Mourning

by WattStalf



Series: my synthetic valentine [5]
Category: Fallout (Video Games)
Genre: ALL ABOARD THE ANGST TRAIN, Drabble, F/M, Second Person, x Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-04
Updated: 2015-12-04
Packaged: 2018-05-04 23:10:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5351900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WattStalf/pseuds/WattStalf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You hated Nate for not being there and you hated Nick for being there, but most of all, you hated yourself for learning to love the latter while you were still mourning the former. You hated yourself for loving both of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mourning

**Author's Note:**

> Angsty drabble is here, because I finally got to play the game for myself, rather than just watch, and it made me sad that my husband loved me so much and I'm just like “okay step aside, gotta go get friendzoned by Nick”.  
> 

It was too soon to fall in love again and you knew it, but that didn't change what you were feeling. It was too soon for everything you had felt for him, but no matter how often you reminded yourself of that fact, you couldn't slow down the process of your feelings for Nick Valentine and you hated it.

You had felt a lot of hate recently, but there were sides to that that you hadn't expected. You hated Nate for not being there and you hated Nick for being there, but most of all, you hated yourself for learning to love the latter while you were still mourning the former. You hated yourself for loving both of them.

You knew that you hadn't moved on from Nate yet, that you hadn't stopped loving him or mourning for him, and with that in mind, you shouldn't be ready or able to fall for somebody else. The fact that you were indisputably falling hopelessly in love with Nick implied something that you did not like to think about.

If you were capable of loving him like this, that would mean that you were always capable of loving him, and your marriage carried no weight in that. If Nate had been right here with you, it was more than likely that you would have still fallen for Nick and had to deal with the guilt of loving another man.

But when you thought about the fact that you at least still loved Nate, it made you feel a little bit better. All those years you had spent getting to know him and falling for him and building a family with him were not shaken, not even by the knowledge that there was someone else capable of stirring up those feelings within you. It was a small comfort, but a comfort nonetheless.

And you would welcome any comfort where this was concerned. It hurt, losing Nate, and falling in love again made it hurt all the more, because you missed him yet it made you feel like you didn't miss him enough, and you didn't even know if Nick would return your feelings or if you were even willing to pursue them.

He seemed too concerned with his own problems and you had yours, and any relationship would only get in the way of that. And any relationship would only push Nate further out of your life, and didn't he deserve better than that? You couldn't bear to involve yourself with someone else, no matter how you may feel about them.

There was the possibility that you wouldn't have fallen for Nick if you hadn't lost Nate, the possibility that you could only relate to him because you had both ended up in an unfamiliar world, missing someone you had no hope of recovering. Maybe if you had met him under any other circumstances, you would only see him as the good friend that he was supposed to be now.

You hated this, and you hated your husband for not fighting harder or for being the one that had held Shaun and been killed and you hated Nick for stealing your heart without knowing it and pulling your further away, but most of all, you hated yourself for not being able to turn it all off.


End file.
